I often wondered what my life was about. I had no idea why.
For a period of five years I started each day with thoughts of what my life meant.
It went like this.
I’d get up and contemplate while getting ready for the day what it all means. The getting up; the getting ready; the going through the day: Doing things not to be bored.
Though I had a rewarding job that suited my temperament, and made a good living, it felt as if something was missing.
I did not know why I wondered about it.
I lived a regular life. Well my own version of regular.
But it was not enough. I felt something was missing. I had no idea what was missing – knew even less why I wondered about it.
Looking back, I’m happy I did wonder. I’d have lived an unrewarding and empty life had I not had those thoughts and especially had I not acted on them.
Strangely when my father passed away I felt I had no excuses anymore to live my life. The thing is I didn’t know what living my life meant.
Now I do. Thanks to my wondering, I embarked on a journey to find out about myself.
Back then I frequented the library. I read many books, taking out several at a time, and buying others from book stores.
The reading was fascinating. But, I didn’t get what I was looking for. I went for several types of therapy too. Nothing helped.
I was looking for something else. Unbeknown to me consciously at the time: My temperament steered me to look for causes, to address things at the core. I was not attracted by treating of the symptoms.
Eventually I found the origin of why I was wondering about my life.
The essence of it was that I had made decisions and choices – my whole life – based on what circumstances presented me. My responses to the circumstances were based on playing it safe, based on not wanting to fail. Thus circumstances and the possible consequences of my decisions formed my life.
What I wanted with my life was not part of my decisions. Thus what was missing in my life was me. The choices and decisions I wanted did not come into play at all, anywhere.
During the aforementioned journey I embarked on, I uncovered this and other things too, and why I wasn’t present in my life.
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